Do You Wanna Build a Castle

Pictured below is my most recent project. It requires no real explanation.


I happen to like Lego bricks, perhaps more than is considered appropriate for one my age. They are one of my preferred media for experiencing the joys of creation, which I have previously mentioned as one of the major sources of joy in my life. I find that they provide a good midpoint between creating still images, which in my cases involves mostly sketches, and writing stories in text. Still images convey singular moments, or else discrete concepts. Writing, although it can be used to describe a setting in a single point in time, is generally better adapted to stories. Writing also usually requires a level of cognitive function that is, if not above, then at least, distinct most other options.

My first real experience with lego bricks was while I was hospitalized and recovering from severe neurological trauma as a result of medically-unexplained encephalitis. As part of my care, I was referred to “play therapy”, that is, play-based cognitive therapy. In my case, this meant being observed when given a tub of Lego bricks. I have come to regard this medicinal approach as ironic, given that Lego is derived from butchered danish meaning “play well”.

Whether it was the play therapy or the cocktail of drugs, I did recover, and, much to the pleasant surprise of my cognitive therapists, regained virtually all of the ability I had lost. Once I began to feel slightly better, I began to experiment with the up of bricks I had been assigned. I began to build structures atop the rolling tray table that was supposed to hold my food at mealtime. Eventually I was granted an extra tray solely for my creations. My myriad specialists were always impressed with my construction progress each time they came in for rounds.

Having truly nothing else to do, seeing as my access to the hospital’s computer entertainment systems had been suspended, and my TV time restricted after I had my first seizure, I began to devote more time to building a comprehensive city. It was escapism, and it was encouraged by all of my factors. Being limited on the number of bricks, I began to experiment with various methods of creating facades and Potemkin structures. I used the space inside these structures to smuggle extra condiments, seasonings, and small packages of foodstuffs.

Many weeks later, when my neutrophils plummeted to a point that I was in more imminent danger in the hospital than at home, I was, without buildup or ceremony, booted out of the hospital. Much to my disappointment, my grand City was disassembled and taken away (though I did get a passing chuckle upon seeing the look of the staff’s faces when discovering that my city contained in it more snacks and condiments than the ward kitchen). My parents were given a list of prescriptions, a list of symptoms to look out for, and a phone number to call if they should notice me having another seizure, but other than that, we were on our own.

As soon as I got my hands on another Lego set, I began building anew. Part of this was the obvious desire to reconstruct and avenge my previous creation. Mostly, though, it was a sense of comfort. It was something I could do, even in this strange new world of having to take pills that slowed down my thinking and avoiding strobes on the television. I could still build something, and I could do it in a format that was universal. Even if not everyone understood my specific logic of city planning, everyone could recognize an obvious house, or a farm, or a city park.

Looking back, it was about two years before my new city eclipsed that which I had built up using the hospital’s resources. My city went through its boom and bust cycles as I saved up my pocket money for new sets, and as I discovered new ways of structuring my buildings. While I enjoyed playing with the minifigures, constructing and imagining fierce battles between Star-Wars shock troopers and entrenched medieval wizards, what I enjoyed most of all was working on the city as a whole. Whether it was adding new buildings, or converting an unused plot into a massive skyscraper, or rerouting traffic to make it more efficient, I thrived on making the whole thing grow.

As time wore on, and the long term effects of sudden, massive brain trauma began to surface, I came to rely on my city as a place of solace. Perhaps I might be temporarily unable to read and write or even speak coherently. Perhaps a migraine had dashed all my plans to be productive and meet my goals. Perhaps I had simply had a bad day and required a break. Whatever the case, as long as I could manipulate my fingers with some degree of accuracy, I could build. I didn’t need to explain myself, or even conform to a set standard. I could build what I wanted. I could design my stories in three dimensions, not having to rely on my memory or my ability to convey concepts using words.

Having a massive Lego metropolis in our basement has become something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just like with any major collectible hobby, Lego sets have become the obvious choice for birthday and Christmas presents. Friends comment on the size of our display, which ensures that I make an effort to add to it, or at least, change it up, before people come over. It is a virtuous cycle. Personally, I do not believe our collection is particularly large. It always feels to me as though we are just a few sets short of a genuinely remarkable construction. On the other hand, we do have the largest collection of any person or family I have personally met.

Today, our city comprises four separate tables, and is divided loosely into zones. There is one zone which is a permanent combat scene, where an anachronistic stew of Star Wars troops and vehicles seek to dislodge the well-entrenched rebel base, comprised mostly of outdated fighters and crossbow-wielding knights. There is a touristy recreational area built around the newly-constructed Cinderella’s Castle and loosely based on the planning style of Disney World. There is the main citadel and downtown area, abound with skyscrapers and inner city traffic. Finally, there is the uptown district, comprising the theatre and historic castle fortress, as well as some urban industrial zones. All of them are constantly growing and changing. It is a constant, giant story, handmade, and never truly completed. It is simultaneously a metaphor for my own struggles, and a contrast to them.

Why I Write

It occurred to me while working on a previous speech for an event to question why I write. After all, I am not chronicling my adventures in order to sell them for a profit. I do write occasional pieces where I have a particular short-term objective to promote, but these are the exception rather than the rule.

What puzzles me further about my writing habits is that, in person, I am not terribly talkative. That is not to say that I am quiet- far from it. But I tend to keep myself fairly limited in conversation because I have noticed that in verbal form, people tend to tune out after the third paragraph or so, or else interrupt my train of thought and bring me off topic. So perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I have vastly more to express than I can reliably do so verbally.

This gets at part of the reason I write: I find it easier to express myself in text than by speaking. Although it loses the tone and body language, I find I have never been good at those things anyway. Aside from that, my chronic issues with sensory integration mean that I usually get to express only a fraction of what I actually have to say. This is incredibly frustrating, both in the moment, and later on when I begin to feel regret for not getting in everything I wanted.

This is one reason I feel compelled to write, and why I have a tendency to write long, largely unedited texts rather than short, fleeting social media posts. Despite my preference for privacy and seclusion, I feel deep anxiety that my story is remaining untold. Dealing with chronic disease means being constantly aware that consciousness is far from permanent. I know that any day I may be rendered incapacitated and unable to express the story of my life. Thus, I feel compelled to record what things I can express, and to share what ain’t have learned, so that whatever struggles I may endure shall not be in vain.

But more than this, I feel, in this day and age, that I, and indeed all citizens, have a responsibility to speak up. It has been suggested that among those who have traveled and experienced dislocation as children; that is, among those who identify less with a particular country or home than with abstract concepts and ideas, that there is a marked tendency to become detached. In choosing to be diplomatic and centrist we render ourselves dispassionate bystanders. In our silence, we give, if not consent, at least tacit acceptance. Such a state of affairs, while perhaps tolerable on the level of the individual, cannot be permitted to fester in a democratic society whose entire mandate to rule is based on the consent of the governed. Much as I disdain the gridlock of two-party political dynamics, a certain level of opposition is required to maintain a healthy democracy; if not to oppose the agenda of the ruling coalition outright, then at least to provide a starting point for the critical examination of both new and existing policy.

This is, in fact, the origin of the term “opposition” in the Westminster system. After several decades of rival political parties regarding and referring to each other as scarcely better than treasonous riffraff, a political editorialist coined the term “His Majesty’s most loyal opposition”, meant as a parody of the titles typically taken by government ministers. The intelligentsia of London found the term to be rather apt, seeing as the function of the opposition was mainly to question the work of government in order to ensure that it was fully thought out. It therefore behooves the citizen of the modern society to make known both their views, and the context which has compelled them to adopt such positions, so that both the ruling group, and the population at large is able to more easily come to the best policy conclusions. I have always believed in leading by example, and so I find myself writing.

Between these two reasons, I have my main cause for writing. But there is one more item which compels me to write – the joy of creation. I fundamentally enjoy building things. Whether those things are great constructions of building blocks, hand drawn sketches, board game strategies, or writing pieces, is ultimately of less relevance than the simple fact that I am making something. I am adding value to the world, and I can see the product of my work before me. This, in itself, is enough reason for me to enjoy writing, regardless of whether its perceived value to others.