I am not a morning person. This has been the case for as long as I’ve been old enough to have sleeping patterns to speak of, and unless my metabolism does a total reversal with age, I don’t foresee this changing. I am a person who wakes up late and goes to bed accordingly.
This isn’t because I hate sunrises or morning talk shows; on the contrary, I enjoy both. My problem is that trying to drag myself out of bed in the morning is immensely painful. It often feels like someone is using a metal claw to unceremoniously yank my spinal cord out through a hole in my back, dragging the rest of my body with it by the nerves and sinews. I won’t say it’s the worst pain I’ve every experienced, but it’s up there. I also don’t wake up quickly, either. My brain takes time to boot up in the morning, and during this time I am unable to so much as walk a straight line. The earlier I am woken up, the longer this process takes- if I am dragged out of bed early it can take an hour before I’m conscious enough to make decisions, and leaves me for the rest of the day with an overwhelming exhaustion that borders on clinical narcolepsy.
I am aware that this goes somewhat beyond the normal scope. It’s almost certainly an underlying neurological problem- one of several. Since my brain already has some issues switching gears, it stands to reason that we’re looking at a different symptom of the same cause. But since meds only seem to blunt the symptoms and draw out over a longer period, I am stuck with it. I try to avoid mornings wherever humanly possible, and suck it up when I can’t.
Of course, the problem, as one may suspect, isn’t actually with mornings. The problem is with my brain making the switch from being asleep to fully awake. In particular I have more trouble than most waking up when my brain is at an inopportune point in the sleep cycle.
Theoretically, this could be addressed on the other end- getting to bed earlier in order to make sure I get the right number of hours of sleep to wake up naturally at, say, 8:30 (which I know isn’t early by most definitions, but compared to my current routine, may as well be pre-dawn). Here we run headfirst into my other problem: severe and chronic insomnia, exacerbated by metabolic disorders that make it not only difficult, but actually dangerous to fall asleep at a reasonable hour most nights.
The situation of being a college student doesn’t help. In many ways the stereotype that college students are bad at time management is self reinforcing. Campus events start and run late, and emails containing essential information and even assignments are sent out hours before midnight. Facilities open from 10-1am. The scheduling of exams and final projects mere days after the material is covered makes long term planning impossible, and reinforces crunch time and cramming- even more so since it is all during the same few weeks. Last minute scrambling is not merely routine, it is impossible to avoid.
For as often as Americans ridicule the collectivist workaholism of Japan, China, and Germany, we suffer from the same kind of cultural fetish, or at least our young people do. Hauling oneself up by one’s bootstraps is used to encourage behaviors that are anti-productivity; destroying sleep schedules and health in order to make deadlines so that one can continue to repeat the same cycle next year. I could, and probably will eventually, write a whole post on these attitudes and their fallout, but for the time being, suffice it to say that being a college student makes already difficult problems much harder.
But I digress. The point is, my sleep schedule has become unsustainable, and I need to make some changes. Getting to bed earlier, though a good idea, will not work on its own, since every time I have tried this I have wound up laying in bed awake for hours, making me feel less rested in the morning. What I need to do, and what I’ve dreaded doing, is force myself to get up earlier and get going, so that I will be tired enough to actually fall asleep at a (more) reasonable hour. In essence, I am performing a hard reset on my sleep schedule.
As schemes go, this one is fairly straightforward, but that doesn’t make it any easier. The fact that it is necessary does not make it easier either. But it is necessary. Not only do future plans depend on it, but being able to recognize, plan, and execute these smaller points of self improvement is critical to any future I hope to have. I am rising early to great the dawn not only in a literal sense, but in a metaphorical sense as well.
At least, that is what I shall be telling myself while dragging my sorry behind out of bed.